A Gift Like No Other

All little girls dream of becoming a mommy. At least most of us do. I can remember at about age twelve, I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to be a mom more than anything else. More than a career, more than a princess (never had that dream), even more than the prince that comes with the baby. He wasn't even in the picture. That's another story.

As things turned out I got my wish. Two of them. My first, now a beautiful 12 year old boy and my second a beautiful 10 year old boy. My second, Matthew was normal in every way. Full term, unlike the first. Came out screaming, unlike the first. And from the time he was conceived, to this day he doesn't stop, except to sleep, unlike the first.

Matthew has been a mover and a shaker from the start. He screamed, threw up, ate, pooped, screamed some more. Oh, and occasionally he slept. The first 3-4 years of his life, I'm not so sure he liked being here. Planet Earth was like a foreign country. He didn't get talking, eye contact, toileting, social cuing, chewing his food, wearing clothes. It seemed he didn't see the point in any of it. If it didn't feel good to him, why bother? Rules, following directions, doing things your way, were not part of his life. When he was finally diagnosed with autism at age 3, I thought my world was going to come to an end.

Slowly, very slowly, over the years we have come to have a great appreciation and fondness for each other. He has taught me more in his life than I ever learned on my own. Though sometimes, being his mother is heartbreaking, being without him would crush me more. He has learned to have eye contact, use the toilet, chew his food and wear clothes. He's beginning to pick up on social cues. This, as we know, isn't easy. Some of the most advanced humans don't always get it right.

He has all be it brief, conversations with me. He asks for what he wants. Food, videos. He tells me where he wants to go. The beach, library, playground, etc. I know I'm not sure but, I think he knows what he wants most of the time. It's the getting me to understand what it is, that's hard for him.

He's hard to figure out sometimes, not because he doesn't know what's going on, but because I can't figure out what he's trying to say. The gift of Matthew is for me to figure him out. For me to learn how to get into his world. I have come to find over the years, often brought here kicking and screaming, that patience, love and understanding are what gets Matthew into my world. His world has always been open to me. When I can stop and just be, just listen, just accept him, his world is my world.

I wouldn't trade him for anything. I wouldn't go back in time for a "normal" kid. Not on my life. He has warmed my heart in ways I never though possible. I am who I am today, in large part, because of Matthew. He has taught me things about myself that no regular kid could come close to. He surely doesn't know it but, he is a master teacher. He is a gift like no other.

Taking A Tub

When Matthew doesn't sleep well, when Matthew doesn't feel well, when Matthew is all wound up, he asks for a tub. He likes to soak in the warm water and unwind. When he was a little guy, I'd just put him in it. If he was all out of sorts and upset, I'd just drop him in a bath and he'd calm down. It's interesting what water does for autistic kids. It calms them or brings them to life.

Matthew has learned over the years what he needs to come back to earth. Sometimes it's a tub. Sometimes it's his blanket, the library. He loves books and movies. With intermittent runnings back and forth, he could watch movies all day. Today it's Pinocchio. Tomorrow Finding Nemo.

He likes to eat. It shows. Dieting is not part of his lexicon. So, I try to get him to eat low sugar, low fat, low calorie healthy, foods. This is a challenge. A work in progress. Matthew is a work in progress. He's all about being happy. Finding things to do that please him. Some not so socially acceptable. He doesn't care. He's not here for you. I find him irresistibly free of inhibitions and guilt, worry, shame. How life affirming to be so free. I couldn't love him more.

With all of this wonderment comes some pit falls. He has moments of great mental discomfort that he can't always control. He finds himself in a state of rage, fear, panic, melancholy. Sometimes one or two of these. Sometimes it seems like all of them. The happy pleasing myself boy is gone. And in his place is his alter ego. Not sure that's it. But, it's all I've got. His moods have improved tremendously over the years with homeopathy. They have also, improved quite a bit with conventional medicine. But, still he hasn't conquered the dark side.

After one of these episodes he always recovers. Comes back to the boy that he was. Like it was never any different. He always returns to peace. The demons are gone like they never came. Until next time.