A Gift Like No Other

All little girls dream of becoming a mommy. At least most of us do. I can remember at about age twelve, I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to be a mom more than anything else. More than a career, more than a princess (never had that dream), even more than the prince that comes with the baby. He wasn't even in the picture. That's another story.

As things turned out I got my wish. Two of them. My first, now a beautiful 12 year old boy and my second a beautiful 10 year old boy. My second, Matthew was normal in every way. Full term, unlike the first. Came out screaming, unlike the first. And from the time he was conceived, to this day he doesn't stop, except to sleep, unlike the first.

Matthew has been a mover and a shaker from the start. He screamed, threw up, ate, pooped, screamed some more. Oh, and occasionally he slept. The first 3-4 years of his life, I'm not so sure he liked being here. Planet Earth was like a foreign country. He didn't get talking, eye contact, toileting, social cuing, chewing his food, wearing clothes. It seemed he didn't see the point in any of it. If it didn't feel good to him, why bother? Rules, following directions, doing things your way, were not part of his life. When he was finally diagnosed with autism at age 3, I thought my world was going to come to an end.

Slowly, very slowly, over the years we have come to have a great appreciation and fondness for each other. He has taught me more in his life than I ever learned on my own. Though sometimes, being his mother is heartbreaking, being without him would crush me more. He has learned to have eye contact, use the toilet, chew his food and wear clothes. He's beginning to pick up on social cues. This, as we know, isn't easy. Some of the most advanced humans don't always get it right.

He has all be it brief, conversations with me. He asks for what he wants. Food, videos. He tells me where he wants to go. The beach, library, playground, etc. I know I'm not sure but, I think he knows what he wants most of the time. It's the getting me to understand what it is, that's hard for him.

He's hard to figure out sometimes, not because he doesn't know what's going on, but because I can't figure out what he's trying to say. The gift of Matthew is for me to figure him out. For me to learn how to get into his world. I have come to find over the years, often brought here kicking and screaming, that patience, love and understanding are what gets Matthew into my world. His world has always been open to me. When I can stop and just be, just listen, just accept him, his world is my world.

I wouldn't trade him for anything. I wouldn't go back in time for a "normal" kid. Not on my life. He has warmed my heart in ways I never though possible. I am who I am today, in large part, because of Matthew. He has taught me things about myself that no regular kid could come close to. He surely doesn't know it but, he is a master teacher. He is a gift like no other.